The 2 Sukis... and forgiveness

Hot night... hot bed... restless body... restless mind... la creatividad para pintar amarrado in writing...  ideas... thoughts...  I slept... and was awakened by a "messenger" from Germany, Burcü from Ankara, from that vida pasada... from that past life... from that last moment challenge... from that wonderful drawing appeared in person and then burned with Michael in the snow... She was concerned about my health... I had written about diabetes... and, yes, that could be me... based upon what I mentioned, my theories... but I was writing a generality... Burcü claims that, yes, she looks like Margarita and can understand that challenge that cut our ties and sent me to Mexico and never to Istanbul... Actually, the challenge was that I would continue against my "spirit" in the U.S...  

I appreciate those very rare moments of communication on the part of Burcü...  Time isn't truly about past, present or future... Who can know the real truth or reality of our connections?

Burcü wrote me concerned from Germany, she had just returned from vacationing in Istanbul...  Who knows what is worse for her, the culture of Germany "they are so didactic" or the political danger of Turkey?  Her two children were born in Germany, "they don't speak my language"...  But, we don't create children for ourselves... We create them for themselves... And the lives we offer, is our contribution to a future that has little to do with us...  We are a spring board, a catalyst... And hopefully, a very good intention...  

I continue sweating... The house didn't cool off enough...  I'm on another stage of my "self-cure" project... the importance of fasting...  fasting for preventing Alzheimers, fasting for preventing cardiovascular disease...  Fasting for preventing diabetes... cancer... 

Chronic disease is perpetual... and perpetuates itself... is cummulative... meaning that it isn't necessarily concrete and permanent... There are no guarrantees with chronic disease...  it must have its ups and downs... So, when you read "fasting for prevention", although you may be ill, thinking that it's really too late, maybe you're not understanding...  You can prevent the next stage... Maybe you can prevent enough accumulation that you enable your bodies natural defences... maintenance and clean-up, to take care of the rest... afterall, your body is created for survival until it truly is time for you to leave the world to others...

If you were reading my blog the 2+ years I focussed exclusively on health and the body, you may recall my explaining that one of the immune system's jobs is to remove dead cells from the arteries...  not just defending you against outside invaders... or against cells that have gone wrong (mutations=cancer)...  The immune system, specifically the Immunoglobin M, of which I have a deficiency and the doctors "CAN'T" address THAT, has the responsibility of preventing "log jams" in the arteries...  The city periodically sends a sanitation truck, removes the manhole covers for cyphening out leaves, branches, garbage, dead animals etc from the sewers... How many times a year do you have to clean the gutters so that there isn't the risk of a roof leak and the subsequent putrification of the roof panels?  That's when cardiovascular disease ceases being just the realm of the cardiologists, and someone should have been immersed within the concept of interdisciplinary studies...  The person didn't die from cardiovascular disease as the base of the problem... They died from an immunodeficiency disease...  

But, I can't spend the rest of my life struggling with doctors who wear blinders... It's not good for the blood pressure...  And I can't spent the rest of my life writing about this... I've gotta do other things... in how much time remains...

Do you understand?  Am I still that sentimental jerk?  I still believe in Astrology; but it plays such a small role in my life... Something preceeds those realities... Something supercedes those aspects of who you are...  There is something that we must do... like the man with his boy in Cormac Mccarthy's "the Road"...  And his nuclear winter...  But, what an idea... What a piece of work!  What a horrible possibility... But, you've gotta look at the relationship between the man and the boy...  The woman (mother) suggested 3 bullets; one for the man, their boy, and for her...  Easy resolution...

Granted, it would end the book before it started... But, those are options, possibilities... And "the road" was just as real as the other...  Everyone died... almost everyone... But there will always be exceptions to the rule... 

I died... I killed myself...  And I found myself asking "Eve" why she must kill herself for the "sins" of her family... especially if she was the "good one"...  No, we don't know just how good or just how bad one is without being them...  And the man repeatedly mentioned to his boy that they were walking along the road until they encountered the "good people"... and the boy asked the man if he, the boy, was a good person... a person with fire... And, yes, upon dying, the man saw the fire within the boy... and life continues... against all odds... although others decided they would live as long as there were living people for eating... 

Think about it...  

And now we know why the "American" literary community named Cormac Mccarthy the #1 "American" writer in the second half of the 20th century...  

For a moment I felt sick...  I was trembling from 1.5 cups of coffee and a very heavy topic...  You think that it's all about you in the moment I mention your name or our so-called history... No, its all about all...  Maybe you haven't forgiven me for being the person you thought I was, leaving you and then proving that I was something else... Maybe you resent the fact that I became the first person to prove wrong your theory about people not being able to change... No, we are who we are... we are what we bring to this world and the spiritual work planned for us... the soul path... our complex destiny...  We are the commulative experiences, especially childhood experiences...  You lost your virginity at the age of 14 with Mike your Chinese boyfriend, an event that you were anticipating as your right, "it was something natural for me, the losing of my virginity",  your destiny... how many years until you would have Sophie... opposite ends of the same line, one thing inextricable from the other...  Doggie style in the park.. The Cloisters?  

Doggie Style?  Not natural for me... didn't work...  so we couldn't work... Don't take it personally... Truthfully this is NOT personal... It is a fact of life and relationships... The first thing to destroy a marriage is economic stress...  Is that true?  Or is it the easiest factor documentable...  Maybe the first thing that destroys a marriage is dishonesty of one person to themself... not truly understanding what happened in their life... The convenient illusions they constructed that aren't really so convenient...  The things we hide from ourselves and then from others...  So, we become disillusioned with the other... and resentful... because it's convenient...  much easier blaming the other for the fantasy we wove around them, than to attend to the question of "who we really are and what we truly need from ourselves and life"...

Do you understand?  And why do I remember so much about your life, your comments?  

Because they're important...  Why negate yourself so quickly?

And you think that I spend most of my time analyzing other people... criticizing them... blaming them...?  I firmly believe in "do unto others as you would have done unto you."  

Why paint, why write? If you don't believe that what you do is worthy of influencing others...?  If you don't see your ideas as more important than others... If you don't see yourself as a teacher... as someone who has the opportunity of helping others...

No, I'm not a genious... nor am I a great artist, probably not even a mediocre one... and a writer... Not a good writer... But I do believe that I have good ideas... a wonderful perspective... Something about the mix of my personal experience can help others grow... at the same time as it contributes towards my destruction...

Yes, I was out cold three days when you were in Kiev... not writing me or responding to my letters, my calls...  And, no, this is not about forgiveness or resentment... It's about history... A history that we shared... A history that informs us and others...

Why you were so disappointed upon returning to Brooklyn, to me... What illusions you created in Kiev or the snowy trainride to Lvov or with Suki in Scotland...  And the figurative slap in the face I gave you upon your return and how you returned...  We've gotta learn from that...

What was the problem?  Was it yours?  Your problem was yours... what caused you to run home to me...  My problem was mine, that pressed and sighed and suicided and became horribly resentful...

Why did you suddenly create a new fantasy about me, regardless about the non-existence of the spark... And, no, this isn't just about you... The spark, is about so many people... illusions and realities...  what was the true need related with that spark... And how long would the spark last... And was that truly what was necessary for determining the validity of a romantic relationship?  

I knew the spark too... How many artists and writers have described those auto-consuming relationships... Do your remember "the spark" in "Like Water For Chocolate"?  Vicky and I for 2 months...  How was that?  What validity did that relationship have?  What did we learn?  Did she learn something?

Joey?  Joey?  

(the last girlfriend in New York City... just published a book on success and astrology... something about dancing with the stars... and all of this time I didn't know what she truly got from me, what I may have inspired in her... I claimed that she saved me and that I had hoped I had done the same for her... but not everything is equal... and if its not convenient for her to believe in certain things, there's nothing I can do... and in any case, what was done was done... and she decided to study astrology, amongst other things that have absolutely nothing to do with me)...  

The spark could be above us and around us, but not between us...  It could be what inspires us to have surgeries, to believe we had found the person we love more than anyone else... the in-love... what expels us out of the relationship or out of the country...  What causes us to ruin relationships or push people away... to say inappropriate and offensive things, like accusing your boyfriend of being a serial monogamist...  I had one girlfriend after you... And then I became married to Margarita for 14 years... and counting... until death due we part... my death that is... a horrible surprise... something unplanned... in the midst of the only time that I could plan for an incredible future constructed with my hands...

And then I found myself immersed in over a year of a nuclear winter...  everything had seemingly died... no hope, no project for the future... nothing for which to live... just panic for understanding my physical situation, for understanding what the doctors were intentionally or unintentionally ignoring... and miraculously, without the aid of ANYONE, no counselors or therapists, I've removed myself from that nuclear winter and begun planning again...  although the risks are the same... and I feel the pressure in my chest... and occasional pain... and what else... because I can't remove my mind and my need for being productive... The palpitations have returned this week after having removed them 1.5 years ago... no thanks to Dr., who pushed in the other direction... and I would have been dead long ago... While he doesn't take the credit for the arrythmias going away within a few weeks due to my adjusting the medications and adding something else that I've never mentioned to him, he is incredibly cool with me, occasionally sarcastic... But, we need an interventionist cardiologist in the case that something happens, from which I can't remove myself.. "peace of mind" for Margarita... since I got tired of looking for cardiologists that don't exist here... someone who truly believes in medical science and truly looks at and listens to the patient...  Who isn't a doctor for ego needs...  Who truly cares about the health of the patient...  But, 45-year-old men don't have heart attacks...  Yes they do, but the statistics make them almost obsolete in medical science numbers... So, the cardiologists only understand the norms, the means...  The midrange of 70-years-old... and truthfully, how many years, what future do they and their patients and the families of their patients expect from a 70-year-old, when most people have their first heart attack?  The anomaly is the 45-year-old... So, you've gotta look at me differently, since the issue is not "old age" and typical physiological degeneration... It's something else... Look at the something else...

And that's what I've been doing all my life... and why it wasn't you fault for my resentment, my reaction, my forgiveness or lack there of...  How could you know?}

You left for Kiev and said that you didn't know if you would return to me...  Maybe you should have remembered that statement... but it really doesn't matter...

What matters is that when my father died when I was 4.5-years-old... EVERYONE left me hanging... hanging... hanging... And then begins the story of my mother's relationship with me...  And it had nothing to do with you... we wouldn't meet for 27 years...  I was left hung by the neck...  And this is my illness... circumstantial illness... the hardest work of my life; to learn acceptance of loss... or abandonment in the worst times... Remember what I wrote about my uncle Stan, my father's only brother beating me while my mother was with my father dying at Sloan Kettering...?

My life lesson isn't actually psychological... it's not as sentimentally bound as you may have believed... It's existential/philosophical:

It's not about loss and abandonment Anya, it's about impermanence...  Accepting loss of EVERYTHING... Death... My first death expereince was that of my 34-year-old father at the age of 4.5... that you said you were happy about... AND YOU HAD AN INCREDIBLE POINT... that I've mentioned repeatedly here in Mexico... And then brother-in-law #2 of 11, José Francisco, said something to the same tone; that my father's death and what I inherited from him was a miracle for his family because all of my research into my situation, body, health connected me with so much medical information related to his family's health that I've shared with them...  So, I die and they regenerate... Do you understand?

But, we truly believe that children need at least 12 years of living within a security protecting them from fear of loss... That the children must learn permanence and planning for the future... not planning for the sky falling any given moment and the adults telling them that "it's their problem"... Like I've said in the past, "I killed my father, forced my mother to believe I would have sex with her if she didn't push me away, protecting herself, brought FAP upon myself and inspired my older sister and my grade-school peers to pick on me..."  It wasn't my uncle's lack of control causing him to beat the shit out of me for wetting the bed, or teasing Satch for not eating the cow's tongue...

But, we've gotta understand these things...  And we've gotta share them with others...  since you never know when what seems deconstructive becomes informative, inspirational and regenerative...

Eve...  raped by her 19-year-old brother before she reached puberty... repeatedly raped... The first time she saw blood between her legs was upon hemorrhaging during the miscarriage that led to a horrible caesarean at the age of 11...  And, I could talk with her, and help momentarilly... Why? Because my family has a horrible history of incest, although not as horrible as hers... at least that's the information offered me...  And I've known other "girls" who were sexually attacked or raped by family members...  And read a lot...  And maybe we've offered Eve an new opportunity for regenerating herself 13 years later... 13 years of blaming the victim... horrible stories, horrible experiences...  And, I don't live within illusions... I know just how complex and complicated it is... the risks... Even happiness can cause her to autodestruct...  opportunity true consideration, true compassion could make her crash in sadness and despair... But I also sense her incredible strength, potential... that tells me that the positive side of 50/50 is worth so much more than allowing her to wallow in the situation caused by the adults of her family and of her community...  all the time understanding the risks against my own personal health within the current situation...

But truly, For what do we live?  And when we die, will we be happy with how we truly approached things?  

I don't believe in "we only live one life"...  It is absolutely illogical...  And I don't believe that you only existed in 2000 and partially in 2001-2002... 

Do you remember Lyubov?  Coincidence?  We were together in my apartment when the world didn't end on Y2K...  and then I met you...  Both Ukrainain women met back to back in The Art Students League...  Remember Randi passing infront of your duplex in Park Slope while waiting for you on our first date?  And Randi had your voice...  

The only two women in my life who had ever suggested I visit Mexico... who were in-love with Mexico were Anya and Randi... and they had the same damn voice... For me, it was a warning... a sign... But, I didn't realize that it actually was a conspiracy for pushing me to Mexico... a country they wouldn't visit again...  You were with Suki in San Miguel de Allende and Oaxaca... You paid for her company... Remember?  I imagine it was Suki who inspired you in Scotland to run home to me and offer me YOU...  What you don't know is that Randi's best friend was named Suki also?  

Why didn't I tell you that?  

I don't believe in coincidences...  

You aren't to blame for my immaturity, for my childhood suffering... for what the adults of my family did or didn't do... You aren't to blame for my horribly beat in phobia of abandonment... How could you have known?