Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Disappointments Coming in Full-Circle

Ross,

Well I am terribly sorry about this. I just spoke with UPS and was told that I needed a permit from Mexican Health Department to send vitamins or supplements to Mexico! Of course I haven't a clue how to get a permit and I was never told that when I sent the package out.

Needless to say I am very sorry that I am once again disappointing you. 


Mom,

As for the package, I was horribly disappointed... But, not with you. It's not your fault.

The day I realized that the package wasn't arriving (the 2nd of April), I felt myself sliding greatly into depression... since all of my hopes for possibly encountering a progressive response to the situation (statins are not progressive; they are regressive, since they cause other problems; the idea is to not cause problems resolving problems; like Maria's brother's lymphoma (in the jaw and leg) being turned into cancer of the small intestine due to chemo... What good is the possible resolution of one problem by creating another one equally bad?)

However, instead of going to "sleep" with this horrible feeling, I mentioned the dilemma (about supplements in Mexico) on the Magnesium Group and a woman from Michigan responded rapidly saying that the pharmacies in Mexico should be selling Magnesium Chloride powder that you mix with water and drink... She even sent me a few Mexican websites... all within one minute of stating my complaint... With her information and my validating it... I could sleep and feel a little bit less vulnerable. The following morning I went to probably the largest pharmacy in Mexico a few blocks away and purchased the Magnesium Chloride...

And then I was accepted to the MTHFR group and placed my long letter that immediately received so many responses... and the Integrative Nutritionist Gail Clayton http://beyondpharmaceuticals.com/ connected me with her friend from Chapala/Ajijic...

Now, so you can relax a little bit: Dr. BioChemist/Nutritionist sells very high quality supplements that she manages to bring to Mexico... She also is affiliated with a company in Mexico City that fabricates Spirulina and Chlorella and is in the process of contracting a chemical company (she is has her Ph.D in biochemistry and masters in Nutrition) in Guadalajara for fabricating high quality magnesium supplements for cutting the cost of importation of supplements from the U.S. or Europe. The cost would be in importation of the raw material, which is much less expensive than the finished product.

In any case, we bought $2,500 pesos of suppliments: Co-Enzyme Q10, a multi-vitamin from the non commercial Biotics Research Corp that is highly rated in the U.S., Magnesium Taurate from Cardiovascular Research LTD and her Spirulina and Chlorella... It seems that she probably has whatever I need, U.S. cost.

I wouldn't have been able to encounter this option if I didn't have the tendency towards writing so much as a process of seeking adequate responses...

I'm sorry that you went through so much trouble... and hope that you can find a way that UPS reimburses you and Bruce, since they should have advised you of the risk of the package being returned or not reaching its destination. As for the supplements, you can always use them... Or, I'm certain that you can return them to those stores... At least the one in Flemington certainly will allow you to return them in exchange, since you say that you are a regular customer of theirs...

But back to your statement of disappointing me...

There is a statement that I repeatedly make towards you and towards the rest of the family in one way or another for decades... You and you guys have taught me the meaning of "reading between the lines"... And what I constantly read is a "screw you. You are the cause of all of your problems and we have no time for this... and due to our family values and the belief that we are better than "that" (better than you) we will always love you as our (family member) and always show you that you are well received... But the moment you bring up THOSE topics or personal topics not first mentioned by us... we're turning our backs." And truthfully, the reading between the lines has shown me repeatedly that it all must be on your (everyone over there) terms... But, for me, all of this is a horrible illusion... appearances, fantasies etc. "You will be well received..." UNTIL "you ask for things we don't want to give..:" LIKE FOR INSTANCE when I asked for a loan pooled by everyone so that Margarita and I could construct the way we could get her to the U.S. with me so that we could give everyone what it seemed they needed, since they constantly ignored my statements why we wouldn't be visiting any time soon. I even shared with everyone what Alan Davidson told you to tell me about Margarita entering the U.S. And Aunt Esta reacted so harshly and offensively without there existing a true instigation, since she was reacting to the same group letter I sent everyone else... And everyone took her side when I reacted to her reaction... Which blew everything so out of proportion. But, while everyone is so quick to point their finger at me, why hasn't ANYONE observed just how insensitive they were being towards me repeating the same question OVER and OVER again about when I would be visiting with Margarita... after I had repeatedly explained... and Sheri even told Alana that we would be visiting in 6 months... And how do you think that made me feel?

And is it that you still don't understand?

You don't understand the amount of stress I was under in Xalapa, working 7 days a week up to 20 hours per day, with the risk of violence against me... Offering such a high quality baked product at such low prices... and all we lacked was financing for "professionalizing" the business and placing it where our clients live or shop and not in the middle of a park... or on the street... And, I greatly appreciated that everyone was in contact with me... But, as you would later understand regarding my health and the damage the stress and the over-working and the poor diet due to lack of extra money would cause later on, there was no room for more stress and explaining and explaining the same old reasons to deaf ears. You have no idea how I worked towards one day being able to achieve that fantasy of having the flexibility of visiting everyone there with Margarita and also knowing just how improbable that was... And then there occurred to me the only option, which was extremely risky for me, because it meant asking something from everyone (something that most people don't want to give, not even to family; in Brooklyn Anya had asked me why I didn't ask Sheri and Beth for a loan so I could return to school. And I responded, "You've gotta be crazy!" and she responded about Russian-Jewish families...) I never had that skill or confidence that Beth has... to ask for and be given... It was too risky and I did it anyway. And look what happened.

And you still don't understand what is the problem.

We could have focussed on the problem at hand... If you and they truly cared... truly wanted to meet Margarita and see me in New Jersey... we could have worked something out. But, Aunt Esta had to call me a Leach... and everyone else ignored my letter until I reacted to Aunt Esta's horrible qualification of me... and all of you have proven that that is exactly how you see me...

So, I must go further back into the past... And I must fling your shit in your face. Because, although you don't acknowledge anything, it is YOUR SHIT... You shat on me and you and yours continue shitting on me...

The problem did not begin and end with the death of my father... It doesn't only have to do with my age at his death... It has to do with everything else that occurred from that point on... And those occurences were orchestrated by other people (family members and non-family members). But the events caused by the non-family members would have been ameliorated had the family members been more careful and more responsible and had they not been mentally ill... In what world do you live where a child abuser is not considered mentally ill? They certainly aren't normal healthy people...

Don't you understand where I've always been going with this?

Or is it that you are just protecting yourself and them with "it's you word versus ours!" And here we go again with reading between the lines...

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MENTION DISAPPOINTING ME AGAIN... If you have no desire for truly addressing what I believe is so clear:

Childhood Misfortune (and it wasn't only the death of my father when I was 4-years-old) which is also called Environmental Insults greatly increases the risk of Acute Myocardial Infarction in adult... increases dramatically with each additional event (insult) in the child's life...

Do you truly believe that the only truly traumatic event in my childhood was the sudden loss of my father and that the rest of the events I brought onto myself... everything between Dad's death when I was 4-years-old and the major surgeries removing my colon and then the scar tissue when I was 13-years-old... and that I brought onto myself too...?

Is there anyone else out there who can respond to this other than the scientists, medical investigators and the epidemiologists/epigeneticists who write about "Childhood Misfortune and the onset of varying adult diseases"? I'm not the crazy one here... although I lose my cool. But, anyone who is honest, sincere and considerate with their head well placed upon their shoulders would respond, after reading all of this I've been writing for years, that I lose my cool because I am pushed to lose it...

Mom, I've been meaning to send you the other scholarly artical I found related to the "Childhood Misfortune..." one I sent to you not long after being in the hospital... But, I didn't find it... afterwards... Something to the tone of "Childhood Incest or sexual abuse and distancing from the family later on in adult life..." And you've gotta wonder why those family members distance themselves from the rest later on in adulthood...

And why I left for Mexico. And why I repeatedly cut myself off from you... And why I cut myself off from Sheri and Beth and Craig... And truthfully don't give a shit about their children. And why should I? If they never truly gave a shit about me... and it is shown in so many of their repeated behaviors... Why should I give a shit about them, let along their offspring? Think about it...

This is your family. Embrace it... But, stop returning to me as if nothing happened and as if there was never anything to be resolved.

For me the heart attack and coming upon the "Childhood Misfortune (Environmental Insults)..." artical was the closing of a circle... Now it's too late, isn't it?

Sleep in the bed you made and accept it... I do what I can to address the situations and have experience much success and some may turn out to be mixed. But, I've NEVER succeeded with you guys... And that's because I've always placed the ball in "your" hands and you all have always dropped it.. or tossed it as if you were playing the preschool game "hot potato"...

Think about it. I've written a book.

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