A certain writer, Marshall Goldsmith, wrote "The great Western disease is, 'I'll be happy when... When I get the money. When I get a BMW. When I get this job.' Well, the reality is, you never get to when. The only way to find happiness is to understand that happiness is not out there. It's in here. And happiness is not next week. It's now."
What if life isn't so simple? In some forms, fortunate is the person who does not know of the symbolic value of a BMW, although the probability is that person spends their lifetime struggling for earning enough money to cloth and feed their children or pay pending doctors fees etc...
"Happiness" is not a warm guitar... it may be a disney fairy tale... that we all absorbed into our hearts and minds... Why must you be happy? Truthfully, what does it mean to be happy? and versus what? Sad?
Without "the money" and "this job" what? Forget about the BMW. Before I had my last surgery, I asked Dr. Gorstein, "what's the urgency?" and he responded, "You have a point... However, the moment one of these polyps that are inflamed and bleeding converts to cancer, IT'S TOO LATE!" So, I had the surgery and live as I live the following 12 years. Can I say I'm happy with how I live connected with the J-Pouch? Absolutely not! Is it a nice way of living? No. Does it remove concerns about this "disease" and the future? Absolutely not. However, was enabled to outlive my father, who died at the age I had when I married Margarita... and now we are 11 years further down the road and all we accomplished together... But, believe it or not, this isn't about me and my last surgery. It is about my sister who didn't have that surgery, because supposedly she was Ok.
As you may know, Beth was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in her rectum Thursday, a day after her 43rd birthday. No, you don't know her if you aren't her friend or her family or her co-worker... And if you learn about a 43-year-old actor or actress with this diagnosis, you automatically react as if it is a trajedy... And, I'm not writing this because I see it as a trajedy. It's part of life, no?
But...
I've spent almost 2 days responding to my own internal response, wondering... Wondering why I feel this way and what I should do or should be doing or will do...
Those who know me know me as a very rational person, maybe too rational for their likings. Those who know me also know me as an occasionally overly-emotional person; too emotional for their likings... Trajedy isn't the loss of happiness. Happiness in forms is a luxury constructed myth. The concepts of enjoyment, satisfaction, being content do not lose their values with turning on its head the concept of "happiness"...
I wonder what Dr. Gorstein would say to Beth. Would he say, "Sorry dear, but ITS JUST TOO LATE!" Or was he exaggerating when he said this to me, to obtain a lucrative contract for his services?
I guess I believed Dr. Gorstein. Afterall, I know of my father's history. His history was not only my history, but my future and the basic structure of my life. You don't understand? It's because you grew up with your most important role models, even if they may have divorced your mother or your father, even if they may have been alcoholics or...
I worked with "Orphans of the State", and what all fostercare workers know is that the child needs their parent, no matter what their parent does or doesn't do. And removing that child from their parent and placing them in fostercare services is just as traumatic as the abuse or neglect caused by their parent/parents.
This doesn't get shorter... And maybe one way for coping with what is happening with Beth is by not speaking about her...
I've lived in Mexico just over 11 years now. And would you believe that I haven't felt depression one day of those 11 years? Happiness? You've gotta be kidding. If you know what I/we have gone through over those years, aside from my own genetic-caused health problems, you would know that it is not about happiness. However, since my mother informed me about Beth's cancer (which is mine too; you may not understand this comment), I've noticed the signs of depression creeping and crawling within... And I wonder.
Wonder... Wonder... Wonder YOU (as a Mexican child may say in my in-laws' ranch)...
I knew about Beth a long time ago, before leaving for Mexico. And I wondered... So, this shouldn't come as a surprise. And it isn't about surprises anyway. It's about what we should do, should be doing, must do...
I must NOT become depressed... and why. What does it have to do with me? Before my mother informed me of Beth, everything was on track and fine, still moving forward successfully and constructively, responsibly, although with my own constantly increasing health concerns and the certainty (belief) that I will not reach the age of 60, due to our FAP/Gardners... However, with the notice about Beth, it seems that everything has begun collapsing like a house of cards... Exaggeration? In a way, in a metaphorical way. My main concern is this sense of hopelessness for the future, our future (the future of Margarita and I, the future of our business...) What does this have to do with the concept of "happiness"?
The only thing that Margarita and I truly have as displayed by my family over the past 9 years, is US. When my uncle died, when my great aunt died, when my aunt dies, when Beth dies, that didn't and won't change anything. However, just the news of Beth's cancer seems to create great risk of re-structuring my mind regarding our future; AND IT SHOULDN'T.
Happiness. No, necessity. Necessity is not spending thousands of dollars in travelling to the U.S. for someone's Bat Mitzvah, Illness or Death, repeatedly. It is for trying to "guarrantee" that we can live healthfully tomorrow. Spending those thousands of dollars when we aren't near owning our own house, when tomorrow another illness will appear on my horizon... when I may widow Margarita (and then what?) Devoting so much consideration, energy, time and money to people who wouldn't and didn't devote that to US? Consideration... Why must I be so much more considerate of their needs than of ours?
Oh, I'm sorry. My mother just asked me to remove comments responding to a comment by Jenny Jennings Foerst concerned that Beth didn't give me the right to talk about her illness, concerned that my cousin and aunt will learn about something that maybe Beth didn't tell them and that maybe this information will find its way to the ears of Beth's daughters... So, now I'm angry. Beth isn't on my friends list for historical reasons. But that doesn't remove the fact that we are connected in ways that most siblings aren't; we grew up very close together in the aftermath of my father's death and my mother's emotional detachment and emotional/physical abuse in the 70s... Beth and I were treated as twins, although I am 20 months older. Until the early 90s, Beth and I visited our GastroEnterologist/surgeon in NYC together. The disease and its horrors and complications, threats, discomforts and fears were shared. So, her rectal cancer is mine... Maybe you can't understand this if you've never been ill, if you've never had this hanging over your head... Maybe you can understand.
It's not about happiness. It's about survival and comfort and protecting who you must protect...
My mother wrote:
I just read this on Facebook. I am sorry that I kept interupting you. What you have written is obviously very important and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I responded:
I told Margarita about this (your concerns) and she began crying and explained that she understands how I feel because your mentioning Beth's cancer only brings to the for-front of her mind the reality that the same thing may occur with me at any given moment. And then what? She said, "back in Xalapa you wanted to eat what you wished, and ignored your health or FAP. And I said to myself, "well what can you do?" but that isn't the case these years and you inform yourself as much as possible and you eat as healthy as possible and still this can appear at any given time! If your mother doesn't want to know how this affects you, then she should have withheld the information about Beth and just cancelled the visit and left things at that..."
Eating que me de las ganas... (What I damn wish!), is not so much about being reckless; it's possibly about being defiant or rebelling against "the forces that be..." It's about trying to liberate oneself momentarily from concerns; the desire for the right to be normal, like all others. To be able to live and breath as others live and breath... momentarily stress-free. It's a momentary jail-break.
I MUST find a way of not allowing Beth's cancer indirectly/directly affect my health and our future. And one of these ways is be writing what I write. I can't change how you and yours think and behave regarding Margarita and I or regarding me... But I can try maintaining myself at a safe distance, which is my life in Mexico. I hope one day you can truly understand my side of our experience since 1973 and my point of view. But the clock is ticking and the probability is that I will find myself tomorrow as I find myself today: Incredibly alone with this, but with Margarita. And, I have really only the needs of one person to consider, those of Margarita: Not yours, not Beth's not Hannah's or Rachel's, not Aunt Anabel's.
My mother wrote: Yes I can understand how vulnerable this all must make you (and Margarita) feel. I am sorry that I told you and will not mention Beth to you again. Given that you live so very far away it was wrong of me to involve you in Beth's life. I know it doesn't make any difference but I too have Many worries about my children.
This wasn't the life I asked for just as you didn't and it saddens me greatly that I was never able to protect my children and maybe my grandchildren. I must just be a bystander and try to be a supportive as I can be. And if we have to cancel our trip that saddens me too. I was so looking foward to seeing you and Margarita and spending some time in the sun. I hope if we can't come now that we will rescedule the trip. I do want Margarita to have her birthday present but I am not sure how best to send it.
I responded: Of course it makes a difference Mom. And I am also very aware and concerned about what all this means for you concerning Beth and Aunt Annabel, something I've mentioned to Margarita during our walks...
we'll see what happens Monday. But, I told Margarita that the probability is a rapidly scheduled surgery, considering what Dr. Gorstein said. This is all part of my very own personal issue, since our gut reaction was that, if you and Bruce cancel your trip, we should too... The whole vacation (although originally planned for Margarita's birthday and not with others) became about spending it with you and Bruce and the enthusiasm that you and Bruce would find it relaxing and enjoyable... The dilemma is enduring the driving and 5 days of not cooking in order that I can use the ocean/water for relaxing me under the circumstances... Regarding my health, drastic changes in levels of stress is the biggest issues... But, removing myself from our daily rhythm and exercise routines, removing myself from home, is very stressful. However, I felt that it would be less stressful receiving you and Bruce on the coast than in Guadalajara; passing your visit here in Guadalajara would be way too stressful. However, making the visit to the coast after April would be too stressful due to the heat and humidity; by the end of May, the ocean temperature has risen too high for it to be refreshing...
My Mother: Thank you Ross. What all this means for me is that I am very sad but I know that I have to control my saddness because that won't be helpful to the people who need my support. Sometimes I hate when people refer to me as being VERY STRONG even if it is true. There are times that I just want to roll up in a ball and hide. Why life has to be so difficult I will never understand but I will still enjoy the hugs I get from Hannah and Rachel and the kind words that my children express. I probably will always be silly at times and I will enjoy the little things such as food, gardening and exhausting myself at the gym. But I will always have saddness in my heart. This hasn't and isn't an easy life watching being the bystander.
Again our messages are crossing. Lets see Monday brings but of course I am not hopeful. Well we can plan a different trip if the ocean is the place to be. Didn't you mention a train trip that you thought would be fun to do?
Ross: Yes... but you have always been more than a bystander... If you look back to your childhood, caring after Uncle Henry, caring after Granpa... And it doesn't really matter how helpless you may have felt (or feel)... It seems that there is an incredible continuum that is beyond conscious decision-making. Those who don't truly know you or your history would call you a saint, like they would call Mother Teresa... However, I don't believe it is about choosing to be better or more than the typical bystander, but is about the route into which you were born. And you must embrace that. You wouldn't understand anything other, and you would become ill if you didn't stand by, instead of being a common bystander, if you know what I mean. It is interesting that the same words have such different meanings when you change the order of their structures... Bystander is neutral and passive; Stand by is active and intentional or concern... The song, "Stand by your man" just entered my mind... but it is active and intentional...
I had mentioned that trip. But, then the region became very "unstable"... You would have to check with the U.S. Department of State travelling "Canyon de Cobre" and within the states of Sinaloa and Chihuahua
No comments:
Post a Comment