"Dying in Your Sleep at a 'Ripe Old Age'", FAP, Adrenal Fatigue, Hypothyroidism, Gardners Syndrome, Diabetes, Alzheimers, Chinese Weevils, Alternative Medicine/Homeopathic Remedies...

--"My sister has metatastic lung cancer!"--

We went to Tlaquepaque yesterday (the last place in Guadalajara we took you and Bruce before you returned to New Jersey... And had a very nice time... We hadn't returned since your visit... While looking for a gift for Hannah, we ended up buying some gifts for ourselves like a hand-woven bed covering, two pillows and a spoon rest... We have a hand woven bed covering for Hannah if we decide upon it... Looking at the clothing, I decided that it is a bit risky, since she could feel foolish wearing something traditionally "Mexican"... I had close to a migraine yesterday and quickly lost interest in looking at clothing. But, I found that Tlaquepaque was so nice for strolling around on a Sunday afternoon that we have an excuse for returning... The only problem is with controlling the buying... since there are so many nice things...

Aunt Anabelle... It's been a very long time since she last smoked, no? You would think that she would have gotten breast cancer before lung cancer and then breast cancer moving to her lungs... I know many people fantasize about dying in their sleep of old age... But, truthfully, what is it that "should" bring us to the end? I often imagine how a heart attack feels, since that is a prevalent way of dying... don't like images of dying in a car accident... Various people "around us" have become ill with cancer and died and I wonder about that experience... and if I were diagnosed with cancer and vehemently claim that I will NOT accept Chemotherapy/radiation therapy as a waste of money since the end is clear... But, how is that experience? 

A car accident is horribly violent and morbid, but may be a very easy way of going... And a heart attack seems violent for a moment...

Of course these are just ponderings and probably seemingly insensative towards your concerns about Aunt Annabel... Maybe I would have a different form of relating to these things had I not experienced dad's death at such an early age and then have it so close to me as my probable exit from this life...; it's to say having death as a very personal life experience...

When was she diagnosed? 

I know that your concern about her metastic lung cancer means that it is a much more definitely grave situation, or that you see it as hopeless... But, I guess I would mainly worry about how uncomfortable having lung cancer would be... I guess she's had surgeries...

--"I am glad that you had a pleasant day. Saturday Bruce and I went shopping for Margarita and we had a nice time roaming around Peddlers Village. But it was very cold though and we had to duck into a bistro for hot soup!"--

Sounds very nice! I imagine Peddler's Village is much nicer than Tlaquepaque. I forgot that you are still in Winter over there... Here, with spring-like soon to become summer-like weather... I forget how it may be away from here...

I've lived most of my life with death hanging over my head... I believe that is a strange reality for those with FAP since we aren't living just for living, but living worried about imminent illness and dying and living for preventing death... It must create a very strange psychology in the "eyes" of those who don't live with this experience... Truthfully, I believe that we should be excluded from funerals or conversations about the loss of others if people don't want our extremely unique or alternative perspectives... In most of the movies and books I've read with characters being Holocaust survivors (usually parents of main characters), the Holocaust survivors show a very heavy/negative personality, almost anti-social and probably psychologically destructive for their children...(although they, the parents, are being "protective). We must try understanding them and others with PTSD. But, understanding will not make it that much easier living with them... I feel the same way thinking of how I respond to you or others... I can't be more socially-acceptably sensitive within this situation because it is almost impossible for me to feel as you feel...

--"Oops there we go again crossing comments. No Aunt Annabelle didn't have surgery because the lung tumor is inoperable. She has been quite a fighter and has and is getting chemo. Her bone Ca. Has been treated with radiation. She attempts to walk 3 mi a day and otherwise take good care of herself. Unfortunately her anxiety sometimes get the best of her. I speak with her everyday just to give her some support. After all we only have each other! "And then there was one!" But we try to enjoy the moment and not look to far into the future!"--

Imagine, you have a friend who is very ill with breast cancer and another friend or family member dies of cancer... I don't believe you will approach the friend with breast cancer with your pain and loss... And I don't know if you can understand my relationship with death and the future and it doesn't matter what you say about Beth's experience or that of Seth... Beth grew up with and still has her most important role model and Seth grew up with his... I didn't. As I've written many times, my role model was death and the black hole that Dad left for me... This is not meant as an argument with you... It's not a criticism. But, thinking about interpersonal relations and certain conflicts and histories in our family connected with me, it would have been nice if people could have understood where I was left or with what I was left when MY FATHER died... Sheri and Beth had you...

So it metastecized to her bones? 

What was her Italian Boyfriend's name? 

Is he still in the picture?

And when you find yourself with "and then there was one"? But, you have Beth and your granddaughters nearby. I consider you incredibly fortunate...

The day of Margarita's grandmother Angelina's funeral, someone asked me if the reason Margarita and I don't have children is a problem with Margarita or originates with me... And I said calmly, "it originates with me..." And he slid into a history of a wealthy boss who couldn't impregnate his wife and paid his driver to have sex with and impregnate his wife... and suggested that I find someone to have sex with Margarita so that I could have a child for when I need someone to care for me...

--"I guess you must mean Ed. Yes they live together in Toms River and he is extremely supportive but she relies on me a lot. Without having Uncle Henry I guess I am the next best thing!"--

of course! and you know it!

--"That is pretty amusing about hiring a a sperm donor (in a sad kind of way). Well nobody has any guarantee that their children will care for them in old age! Unless your family is so poor that they cant move away."--

And of course I live with a bit of guilt of not being able to impregnate Margarita... and as I said to you about Beth and Seth, it doesn't really matter what Margarita thinks or feels about this... because one day I will not be here and the probability is that that day I will have left Margarita widowed and without children... She turns 39-years-old on Friday... One can easily say, "it is not fair that you didn't give her that opportunity..." and it doesn't really matter what it is I have given her that no one else would have given her... People don't think that openely and complexely... It's like telling a mourner to stop thinking about the loss of but about the life they shared with the person who left... We don't live that way...

No, there are no guarantees and in some way or another you've gotta do the best for yourself and those closest to you; try making the best possible decisions. And that's why I mentioned selfishness and egoism yesterday... If one thinks clearly about what that truly means, they would understand that only fools would live selflessly... You can't live any other way but what you believe is healthiest for you and those you affect directly...

--"Even the selfless get something from their acts but when a person takes somethong from another just to take care of themselves that is a problem."--

We can send Hannah a gift... But, we can't be there... We can send her a gift... But, we can't send her our love because we haven't been there... we don't know her, we can't feel her... and the years have passed and they pass and the next thing you know she's in college and is becoming an adult and we weren't there because we couldn't be there... and, her mother decided against bringing her here for a moment (why? no one will answer that question and Beth won't apologize and explain what happened), but that also affects our relationship or lack there of with Hannah... And it's cool. Knowing that she has an uncle disappeared in Mexico could be helpful or interesting for her personal development or imagination or not... Everyone makes their decisions... It turns out that my decision and decisions over the last 11 years have been the best I've ever made for myself and have helped incredibly Margarita and her family, although Hannah lost the "opportunity" to have me as an uncle...

The irony is that selflessness is also selfishness... it is a strange form of delusion... Your comment about "taking from one in order to help yourself" automatically makes me think of Uncle Stan and the social security payment given you when Dad died... But, you've gotta understand Mom the difference between how we grew up and how Seth and Elise and even Hannah and Rachel grew up or are growing up... Privilege (or lack there of) is the first thing that is noticed and separates us in grade school... Todd Golub had everyone call me "poor boy"... and for years I didn't want to bring friends to 784 Old York Road... How does that affect the development of a child? I am sure those $40,000USD would have helped us much more than they would have helped Seth and Elise... At the very least they had their father who could develop his dental practice... and send them to private schools etc... at least Esta had her husband who would develop his dental practice, enabling her to leave her young teaching career behind to help him with his dental practice... But you are incredibly forgiving... But, possibly to a point of negligence of who truly deserved your consideration...

--"Yes Hannah and Rachel are missing not knowing you and Margarita but they do know that they have an Uncle in Mexico and they do ask about you. I also have pictures around of the two of you and show them pics from vacations. Who knows maybe someday Hannah will want to visit."--

We only have so much time... you can try and understand while you have the opportunity or you can ignore it... But, the problem is that you will mention my visiting New Jersey later on... and maybe with increased frequency and my concern is the confrontations with those who don't understand the difference...
I understand your concern about being alone... I understood your concern when Sheri moved to Australia... But, your concern will increase over time, although the conflicts I have with various family members and their lack of true understanding will not change over time... And I can't place myself there... And I don't believe you truly understand the risk for me... And you've given me much reason to believe that you don't truly give a damn. And that's cool... It's good to keep people in perspective. But, I don't know if that's how you wish for me to see you.

It's a very big "who knows?" and I believe my time line is much different from that of yours and Bruce's and Aunt Anabel and Marcia and her decease husband and Mary Beth and Ed and Aunt Jo (who died at that age of 94) and all the rest of the people who made it to retirement age or have little reason to believe they won't reach that age and who have the luxury of imagining dying in their sleep from old age... Ya see how the conversation never truly disconnected itself from your concern or pain regarding Aunt Anabel's illness and impending death?

I turn 45-years-old in June (as if you didn't know)... And have found myself "joking" about Alzheimers these past few months, because I suddenly have found my memory failing... "what was it that I was supposed to do last Monday...?" Still don't know... I have what seems like worsening Carpal Tunnel syndrome... in my right arm, although the pain seems to actually originate in my shoulder/back... the outer side of my eyebrows have all but disappeared over the past few years and I find myself with mental fogginess lately... And suddenly I learn that all of that could be due to Hypothyroidism, although it doesn't seem that the Endocrinologist found any of these signs/symptoms interesting...

--"Ok I am starting to loose the content of this conversation. Consequently I am afraid and think I have already said or not said something that is upsetting you. I can't type as fast as you and I also seem to respond to the wrong thing or in the wrong way. I am not asking you to take care of me but only yourself and your wife which you are doing and I am very happy about that. Self sufficiency is something I pride myself in as you should to. Although I wish we could continue this communication I have a patient to see in a few moments."--

Green Coffee suposedly blocks the absorption of fat in the small intestine, forcing the body to burn it's own fat... and supposedly blocks the absorption of glucose forcing the liver to release its own for increasing energy... Chinese Weevils supposedly strengthen the immune system and lead to the disappearance of tumors... increase energy levels, increase mental clarity and decrease symptoms in Diabetes... My mother-in-law is ingesting them and she sent some here in Guadalajara... And, SURPRISE, I'm taking them too... Sounds disgusting... Raw Oysters on the Half Shell sound disgusting too... but they don't have case histories showing that Raw Oysters on the Half Shell reduces cancer or diabetes symptoms... But the Weevils do...

Laboratory findings in Israel found that Lemon Grass causes entropy in Cancer cells...

Cinnamon decrease diabetes symptoms, helps lower BP and helps decrease weight because it causes the slowing of the emptying of the stomach, subsequently slowing the entrance of glucose in the small intestine...
We've placed chia in our daily diets... along with the green coffee, a little bit of lemon grass... chlorophyll... some cinnamon... some cardamom... the Chinese Weevils... I can't enter the Ketonetic Diet since I can't imagine ingesting so much fat, nor how... And I haven't read anything explaining how you prevent cardiology problems due to the massive increase of bad cholesterol in the blood stream...

But... you may ask me why mention all of this... It's because; "I have one wish before I die: To have been able to lowered the weight and feel more energetic and lighter before what "is Killing me" kills me..." It's to say, if there is a way to reverse some processes in a healthful and affordable manner that I can manage and understand at home... why not? I wouldn't be semi-immersed in this if there wasn't an existent problem/concern...

Everything is connected with FAP. However, the problem with FAP is that we are a very small case group that receives much less attention and funding than does IBD, Crohns, typical Colon Cancer... The only new information about what can happen with FAP you can find is with talking to the older FAP sufferers or their wives, children, their survivors... But, what they tell you has occurred and can occur directly related with FAP, is not mentioned in ANY of the scientific literature... I remember someone mentioning the risk of hypothyroidism... But, I don't have the time or energy for searching for those conversations... I would need a ton of money for searching through FAP specialists until I found one I believed truly understood the complexity and wide range of risks connected with FAP/Gardners...

I have yet to find a person who can tell me if, with all of the preventative surgeries, there exist FAP survivors above the age of 60... I'm sure there exist some. However, I would love to see the stats... But, I can almost assure you that those stats don't exist...

And why write YOU so much? Because, you can imagine that there is no one in my world I can talk with about this stuff... Can I talk with you about this stuff? This isn't really a discussion... It's a rambling down the list...

Entropy. Massive Entropy... The Endocrinologist said he was familiar with FAP... But, he had no interest (certainly due to lack of time) for the conversation... And if he is not an endocrinologist specialist in FAP (why should they be specialists in FAP?), what would he know about the possible connection between FAP and hypothyroidism? Over-stressing the adrenal gland caused by extreme stress and/or interrupted sleep (going to the bathroom every 2-3 hours at night) causes the dumping of Cortisol into the blood stream, causing the blocking of insulin in the cells, causing the blocking of the T3 Hormone produced by the Thyroids (mimicking hypothyroidism) in the cells, causing mid-section weight gain, causing the narrowing of the arteries, which increases BP... This is why I stopped seeing the Cardiologist because he ignored the issue of FAP, possible Adrenal Gland fatigue caused by interrupted sleep and above normal stress... However, talking to an Endocrinologist about the Adrenal Gland is the same as talking to them about the Pancreas or the Thyroids... However, I forgot about that issue and because he wouldn't have had time... It is much more affective for an Endocrinologist short on time to focus on the sure thing (especially with Mexico being #1 in Diabetes and Childhood/Adulthood Obesity in the world): Diabetes, especially if I enter his office overweight and with high BP... Why waste time on a rarity: AND THAT IS THE SAME ISSUE FOR Familial Adenamatous Polyposis... Who wastes their time and money on such a rarity?

Oh! and another possible reason I may not have meantioned Adrenal Fatigue and cortisol possibly mimicking Hypothyroidism is because over the past month and a half I have found myself sleeping through the night without going to the bathroom for the first time in at least 13 years... and experiencing something more like constipation than diarhea... Another symptom of hypothyroidism is constipation and fatigue although the person sleeps well... You would think that a sudden and prolonged experience of uninterrupted sleep would be accompanied by increased energy levels and lack of foggy mind and improved memory... I've never had memory problems and less-so, foggy mind... And, just incase you are wondering, I don't over-sleep..., which would also cause fogginess... I don't drink a lot of coffee and I walk-run 3 miles a day... I eat very little-to none fried foods, I drink one cup of unsweetened coffee in the morning, very very little sweets during the day... a 3/4 liter of fresh-squeezed orange juice with the Chinese Weevils at night and if I have a sweets craving, I occasionally prepare a fruit smoothy sweetened with honey...or I prepare a cup of coffee with milk and sugar in the afternoon... I've never been a sweet-tooth... I get enough sugar from carrots and onions or cabbage in what I saute or with the red peppers I roast or eat raw (occasionally).. Later you will see the blood-sugar (glucose) test results... 

Prevent cancer, prevent diabetes, prevent heart disease, prevent alzheimers, lower weight, increase energy, increase happiness-satisfaction in interpersonal relationship, increase economy, increase faith in the future... although people are dying around us... although we are constantly reminded that the end is near or our finding ourselves alone is near... My concern is about quality of life and security knowing that the end hovers over me and is near... Find me the statistics that show that FAPers don't tend towards dying before the age of 60, no matter what preventative surgeries they have or diets and exercise routines they maintain... I would love to see those stats.

I know you don't have time to read all of this... I will copy all I wrote and post it on my Blog... for if you wish to consult it one day... I'm not writing sarcastically. I also have "better things" to be doing with my time at this moment...

--"Just a quick note.....look up atkins diet. There isn't any magic bullet for weight loss. Ckeck out weight watchers if you want to, it is in your town."--

--"I didn't think you were maintaing your blog so I may have deleted it. How do ivget there again?"--

Yes, I noticed Atkins Diet when I looked up the Ketonegic Diet... it's a 1:1 fat protein ratio instead of 4:1 fat/protein ratio... The problem is with removing tortillas from Margarita's diet... I have started using Romain Lettuce in place of tortillas, believe it or not... It's actually very interesting. I am sure it is so NOT NEW for you when you were eating tuna or chicken salad without bread in many of your diets... or during Passover... although you did eat Matzoh, which is a No-No.

I'll connect you with it when I finish copying what I wrote...