Pico de Orizaba

Pico de Orizaba
Taken from Huatusco, Veracruz, the closest town to Margarita's family's ranch.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Can you imagine being dead...? Would you subject yourself to a Dark Ages blood letting?

Can you imagine being dead...?  Not dying but dead...  I can.  It's not something new since I've always seen dead on the horizon...  Me laying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling or the sky or the light falling through the pyramid-shaped sky light.  Dead.  Not dying.  A strange crossing of life and death, since my spirit continues within my body and continue seeing through my eyes.  A strange paralysis.  But, dead.  Awaiting what?  I ask.  There must be something or someone I'm awaiting.  Or why continue within this useless body?   

But why?... Why bring this up today, Tuesday March 18th 2014? The day began well.  I scheduled new blood tests in the morning for tomorrow with the result being ready tomorrow afternoon.  We went to the Mexican equivalent of the IRS to declare our fiscal responsibilities for January and February and were told that they weren't yet ready for "us" until the end of May, which will certainly be pushed off indefinitely, since Hacienda isn't prepared for the fantasy changes they planned at the end of 2013.  I ran well in Parque Metropolitano, a slow 23.5 minutes.  But 23.5 minutes at that... accompanied by 18 minutes of a brisk walk... I felt fine.  And went to Costco and replaced my 4 tires to my pick-up and while waiting for the tires to be placed, Margarita and I discovered that Costco had all the clothing both of us needed for the following months after so many months of finding nothing for us...  And I felt fine and normal.  And then I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I was surprised by a descent amount of blood in the toilet.  I would have spent more time looking or anylizing that blood.  But, the Costco toilets automatically flush... And my mood changed.  And I wondered how I would address the topic with Margarita.  This wasn't the first time I saw blood.  It may be 3 times since December.  But, since the occurances were followed by nothing for a while... And I told Margarita about those occurances a while after having said to my brother-in-law Nicolas "I think I've found bleeding in my stool and you may need to plan for a day when I won't be managing the business..."  And of course it seems that Nicolas didn't respond much... Maybe he can't imagine my letting go of the reins or of taking my place, any of them...  But, the blood didn't appear the following bathroom visit or the following day those days.  But, this time it reappeared when we returned home...  And I don't feel the same as I had.  But that could be all in my head...  Imagining anemia...  and thinking about what Platelet Anisocytosis and Basophilia have to do with this blood...  If you remove Platelet from Anisocytosis, you find any form of anemia...  However, when you place platelets with anisocytosis, you find almost nothing... nothing urgent... which is strange why they would mention it on a blood test if you can't find ANY information about it...  But, we'll see tomorrow.  

And I've been dedicating my days thinking about diet and greatly diminishing carbohydrates and their connection with insulin intolerance and diabetes and metabolism and worrying about blood pressure...  And I know that the blood in the toilet has nothing to do with none of this... And I find myself thinking about what the Gastro Enterologist would have found in my small intestine had he done what I sought him for; an upper endoscopy.  Damn "top of the field" gastro enterologist... but top of the field for Mexico, which may be bottom rung of the ladder in modern medicine.  Damn former President of the Association of Gastro Enterologists of Mexico...  who knew my surgeon and was familiar with FAP/Gardners and had re-constructed an "American's" J-Pouch that constantly collapsed or something of that sort... "Poor guy was at his wit's end and thinking of committing suicide when he met me!"  However, why would the gastro-enterologist refuse doing an Upper Endoscopy on me if he was familiar with FAP/Gardners and knew that we must have those endoscopies every 2 years?  Margarita believes that the Mexican doctors want to push their patients to the danger zone, guarranteeing future surgeries...  Like the Cardiologist who prescribed me a pain reliever (a pain in my abdomin behind my stomach where the pancreas, spleen or possibly the kidney lays) banned in the U.S. due to high risk of causing Heart Attacks...  

And you may ask, "Why didn't you seek another GastroEnterologist?"  And I would respond, "I haven't been given much reason to trust my health to Mexican doctors/specialists.  Better is researching better diets for improving my digestive and general health and leaving things up to fate.  Afterall, I could be handing my life and savings on a silver platter to these irresponsible dudes, when we can save some money and possibly some accidents believing in more thoughtful and educated eating..."  However, I must accept the possibility of still finding myself at the end of the road.  Afterall, a lot of blood in the toilet doesn't help keep one optimistic, especially if that person has already had his colon and rectum removed...  What else can one do?

Can you imagine being dead?  Not dying but being dead... I guess I prefer imagining the state of permanent paralysis staring up at the ceiling or the sky or the pyramid-shaped sky light while laying upon my comfortable bed.  No, I don't think about dying.  It's not a comforting thought.  It just fills me with panic, since I don't have time or space for that process...  the process of dying... It's one thing to be ill.  It's another thing to not be able to do the work I have chosen since I met Margarita, my responsibilities that no one else here can or will do.  And that day that I become ill, I won't have the energy for explaining.  And, if I entered that now, I would lose the little energy I have for still trying to be strong, since as you may know, I don't have that vitality I once had... or I wouldn't have been concerned about hypothyroidism or Vitamin D deficiency or Adrenal Fatigue the past 1.5 years.  And this is how I ended up removing the carbohydrates from my diet... and why the blood in the toilet is just a bit discouraging, because it means that it may be something unrelated to the above three possibilities... a problem that diet can't change...  

There is a very intense plane between the moment one crosses the line of being healthy and knowing they aren't and death.  That plane is the process of dying.  And, yes, you may be living within that dying plane for many years.  I don't know if "they" would consider you fortunate or unfortunate.  And only you know that experience and how it feels...  But where the hell could the blood be coming from?  It's not dark.  So, it's not coming from my stomach.  And it isn't bright red, meaning that it's not coming from my J-Pouch... So it must be coming from my small intestine.  That same small intestine Dr. "I paid someone a hefty amount of money for my title since it is clear that I never truly learned how to be a doctor" gastro enterologist... And yes, that happens here frequently in Mexico.  It's called "Comprando Plazas"... (Buying Titles)... You've never heard of the wealthy people living in the Americas who paid a ton of money to various European Kings or Queens for giving them title of Duke or Count?  Well, here you can pay for being allowed into Medical School or for being given title of High School teacher, even if you didn't study in the University...  I know someone... In fact, he's on my friend's list, who paid someone to allow him to study medicine in the Social Security Hospital in Xalapa...  But, what he doesn't understand is that everytime a wealthy child pays the medical boards to ignore their poor educational habits and poor scores, they are robbing a space from someone who would truly make a good doctor, although that person may not have the economic means of bribing the Medical Boards...  

I've said this before and I will say this again, especially for those who don't understand Mexico:  Mexico continues as a feudal state within the Dark Ages of 15th-16th century Spain, although with a very modern style...  I guess I should let my body bleed itself instead of being subjected to the blood-letting priests and barbaristic doctors clothed in modern medicine and pharmaceuticals...    And you may ask, "but where do the wealthy go for medical care if there aren't good doctors there?"  The United States, Canada, France, Great Britain, possibly Spain...  Germany...  But I'm not wealthy...

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