Drugs and Rage and Disfunctional relationships, Branchburg, New York City, Mexico; conversations with a past life September 21, 2011

Rage... I think it is a very healthy emotion, although we fear our own rage and we fear the helplessness of not being able to change what creates our rage.  So, maybe we convince ourselves not to rage...  Maybe that's why many people become alcoholics or drug addicts...  For some reason I didn't become either... Would you believe that I have never seen Cocaine or Heroin, have seen once a form of acid in a form of a stamp that my younger sister and her friends used, but I've never used it...?  After figuring out that I could drink, I also figured out that I couldn't drink enough to get drunk.  Back when I used to say that 1 out of 6 experiences is a good alcohol high; 2 of those 6 experiences creates what seems like an alergic reaction; the last time I recall happening after drinking who knows how many piña-coladas at a celebration at the Latin American Cultural Center on Park Avenue...  My muscles cramp up horribly.  I develop a horrible pain in my chest and in my head and I have difficulty breathing.  After a half hour it passes and so does any seeming affect of having druck alcohol.  The other 3 times my stomach quickly says, "you're not going to like this one!" and I stop...  I had that allergic reaction a few times drinking apple cider; one of those times was with Francesca at the Oldwick General Store.  In New York City I learned I could drink Tequila and Vodka without feeling bad.  In fact, I felt that those two liquors gave me energy.  But, after my last surgery, especially in Mexico, my body tolerates less and less the consumption of alcohol.  And I loved Mexican Beer!  My grandfather was an alcoholic and supposedly is "travelling" with me.  There is a photo...  I smoked pot with Pete a few times in 10th grade.  One time we were sure it was laced with angel dust.  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE/HALLUCINATIONS!  We were with Eric Keeler in the fields after sneaking out of the houses after 1am.  I have alergies to hay or long grass spores or whatever; WHAT AN EXPERIENCE SNEEZING!  But then I met you and Fran and Eric took Pete as if he was stealing my friend or lover, since it seemed that Eric was so envious of my friendship with Pete and decided to become possessive of him.  But, I became overly immersed in my relationship with Fran and dumped all my friends...  I smoked pot a few times in 1989 and then one time in 1997 and realized that I didn't like the experience, since I felt horribly trapped...  During my first surgeries, they gave me introvenious injections of Morphine or Demerol, which was an incredible experience at the age of 13.  But, then the practice was changed to injecting it into muscles to prevent the risk of addiction.  And, let me tell you, I can understand why one would become addicted to Heroin.  Let me also tell you that I was very fortunate that I never saw Cocaine in my life, because I never went to parties in High School or afterwards.  The third time that Peter and I wanted to smoke marijuana, we road our bikes to the Somerville Movie theater on the circle and Peter encountered the person who sells to his sister's friend who gave us the pot that was laced.  He said that he didn't have any marijuana, but he could get us cocaine and I said, NO...  And somehow I ended up counciling alcoholics and drug addicts in the Veteran's Homeless Shelter in Long Island City, Queens until just after 9/11 when I informed my boss that I would need a leave of action for my last major surgery and I was promptly fired by the Salvation Army Social Services:-) and my insurance promptly dropped me...  And now I hear Ani DiFranco in the distance.  But I can't make out the song, because it is very faint in my memory...  Something about building buildings upon graveyards and "You tell me what's real... You tell me how to deal..." or something like that...  


No, I've never truly dabbled in drugs or alcohol; just in food and girlfriends...  a lot of disfunctional relationships with women, many who had been sexually abused as children...  No, I didn't have many girlfriends.  But I almost always had a girlfriend.  I think I dated a few prostitutes in New York City and had some experiences, 2 to be precise with much older women when I was a very young man, who clearly sexually abused their sons...  uhm...  One was my 42-years-old supervisor opening up Flowertime when I was 17-years-old, who invited me to my first rock concert ELP.  The second was a 36-year-old artist from Lawrenceville when I was 21-years-old...  She wanted to teach me to paint.  But it was 8 years too early...  I didn't cheat on Francesca.  But I cheated on Sue.  But Sue was cheating on me the whole time, but not with other people.  I wrote about it in my blog piece about Cathy Bayer called "Jumping off Train Bridges--Cathy"...  I don't believe I wrote about Dina from Lawrenceville.  


The point?  


Fuck the point!  The truth is that I got tired of other peoples' problems and you (the general you) should be tired of my problems too... if I lay them onto you...  I've gotta catch myself.  And, no, it's not about insensitivity.  But, there is a limit to what other people can do for you.  Most of the struggle is personal and won alone, if won.  The help people can give others is with financial support, career or business ideas, networking--job connections-connections with galleries or with people who will become our friends later on.  But with psychological/spiritual/existential pain--angst...  That is something very personal.  


I vent.  I believe in venting...  But, I also believe that we should give others a break.  I can't expect anyone to read everything I write all the time.  And truthfully, at this point, I will question the mental health of someone who reads everything I post on my blog.  Now, if I'm writing directly to you....?  Well, now I expect a response each and every time.  Remember, you will be quizzed at the end of the week:-)


That said and done... Where am I?  


I am very fortunate that I wasn't introduced to drugs or I would be dead a long time ago.  And, yes, you heard that I committed suicide in 1988...  But you didn't hear that I did it again in 2001 and then finally succeeded January 28th, 2003...  And I say that I am very fortunate that I wasn't introduced to cocaine and or heroin or I would be dead long ago.  But, maybe I don't truly understand myself or the situation.  Maybe I would have been so much better off.  Imagine dying to a heroin overdose; truthfully floating to heaven....  Ha! Ha! Ha!


When I was at R.V.C.C. and possibly before Dead Head friends at R.V.C.C. or of my younger sister Beth use to talk about LSD being "the key" and other things.  They would talk about "what if Ross tried it" or other things...  No, this isn't LIFE cereal and I was not Mikey.  But, it seems that so often the friends or aquaintances would reach the conclusion, "Ross doesn't need acid or weed... he's already high.." or that I just didn't need to artificially need to alter myself for finding enlightenment or that it would probably end up in a bad trip since it wasn't necessary for me.  And I always kept  myself on the edge of or aloof to those conversations and I don't truly understand why...  


I even went to my only Grateful Dead concert in Pittsburg.  I had the car and suddenly new friends from Bernardsville if I'm correct.  But, during the concert most of those friends disappeared.  Yes, I smoked pot with them and we all drove high crossing from Pittsburgh back to Somerset County.  Now that was horror and incredibly stupid.  But it passed...  I don't believe we even ran over a squirrel and, fortunately we weren't pulled over by any state troopers or that would have been the end of my driving my Nissan Stanza and who knows what else...  


Well, this was a letter inspired by you, by something you wrote a very short long time ago; but a must for my blog...