Today I celebrate our overcoming so many obstacles; Margarita and My 8th Anniversary

Today is Margarita and my 8th wedding anniversary.  When we met, I was struck with the incredible sensation that we were meant to be together; that there was no other "project" more important.  I had this crazy belief that we would create an incredibly strong life together working together in a kitchen.  In fact, one of the first writings I sent through email back then was "Ross and Margarita, Two Flowers in the Kitchen".  Ross means Rose in Swedish...  The idea was so powerful that I overcame my phobias and fears and learned Spanish extremely quickly.  Everything that I've done here was done in the name of Margarita and in the name of her family.  My struggle over the past year or so is in the understanding that I also exist within my own life and that I must do things also in the name of Ross...  and that's part of the reason for the tension on this blog.  As long as I negate myself for a wonderful cause, I avoid resentment, rencor and ira... 


My relationship with Margarita was the first relationship within which I could imagine a future with another person, this future being very strong and important for the two of us.  And that imagining appeared in my mind before we began our relationship.  I struggled for almost 3 months to show Margarita what I was sure she must have sensed, since I believed that our meeting was part of a spiritual connection like saying that we were placed together by God...  So, I was sure that she must have sensed something really important with me.  The problem was that I must learn the Spanish language in order to express well my intentions and to be able to question hers.  You have no idea the mess that could have existed due to misunderstandings caused by the different languages and the different cultures.  Do you know that the verb "to like" is irregular, meaning that it falls outside of the grammatical laws of Spanish usage.  So, instead of saying to Margarita that I was concerned that she didn't like me, I said to her, "I don't like you."  The irregular form of saying "I like you" is "to me you are liked."  Translating directly to English in the normal Spanish structure is "you are liked by me"...  


In the end, what I sensed with Margarita was the truth.  Not only have we created miracles together inside and outside the kitchen, we have a wonderful interpersonal relationship together, enjoying all facits of life shared; in other words we are very compatible.  As Jung said about "coincidences" or the lack there of that when a couple shares Astrological signs within one of the 3 combinations Sun-Moon, Sun-Rising, and Moon-rising, the probability of that couple marrying increases 300%.  Well, like me, Margarita has her Rising Sign in Virgo and I have my Moon in Virgo. Before leaving New York City 2 of my friends had their rising signs in Virgo, Michelle and Milo, explaining why cutting our friendship was most painful between Milo and I.  My last girlfriend in the U.S., Joey also had her rising sign in Virgo.  I haven't yet touched that story.


I write about my ex-girlfriends and other women because I understand how much those relationships helped me evolve and indirectly connected me with Margarita.  I also understand that those people are people and were important people in my life at the time, making it impossible for me to negate their importance in my stories and history.  Writing about what happened and about what didn't happen does not mean that I wish for them and not for Margarita.  However, in order to show you the importance of what happened at the time, I must share with you how I felt at the time and afterwards.  For instance, it's been years since I realized that Cathy and I wouldn't have worked well as a couple. However, that doesn't negate the beautiful yet sad romantic story.  Linda and I couldn't have worked either, because she can't imagine herself in a commitment.  Plus, as you know, you can't plan a life together with someone who tends towards infidelity.  Had she and I continued our passionate relationship, I would have been participating within her infidelity later on wondering if she would be that way with me.  I had mentioned that I cheated on Sue, Anya and Joey.  But, regarding Sue and Anya, I was being cheated out of...  With Joey...  After "falling in-love" in the beginning, this friend turned lover told me that she had been a prostitute while studying film at NYU Film School/Tisch School of the Arts and that she was still working in some form or another in that "industry" in order to pay her rent and for having flexibility for her ballet classes...  


My life is a history of sad relationships.  My history with Margarita is something else between us, for me and for Margarita...  One of the last things Michelle told me before I left for Mexico was that I must find a woman without baggage who can devote her time to me and not the reverse.  Margarita is the first woman I know without "issues".  She is her own person who sees a future she must strive towards.  Fortunately, this husband of hers with all his issues has risen such to the challenge that she has absolutely no regrets.  Her only regret is within her concern that by being at her side, I don't fullfill certain personal needs of my own, one of those needs is having direct contact with my beautiful friends.  Ok.  There are 2 others; she regrets the amount of stress I've experienced in Mexico and how that has affected my health.  The other being the regret that I must put myself at constant risk of a violence you can't imagine seeing outside of modern horror/torture movies...  


Why do I mention our 8th Wedding Anniversary?  Because I am relieved and very content.  Due to the pressures and the oh so many misunderstandings and culture clashes, I became very resentful towards Margarita for years where I regularly fantasized responding to her and her brothers' foolish insensitive and foolish commentaries by packing my things and returning to the U.S.  Thankfully, those fantasies have all but disappeared over the past year and a half.  We've relaxed into each other.  With that relaxing Margarita has put certain things into perspective and has become much more introspective, asking herself what truly is happening.  Within the ranch culture, there lacks a whole slew of interpersonal concepts: such as sincerity, honesty, consideration, respect, compassion. Introspection is necessary for relating with others, since it is the way you assess your own behaviors, feelings and position within all the various relationships.  Without introspection, it is truly difficult to know if you are being honest and sincere...  Without compassion, respect, consideration and sincerity there lacks the ability to apologize.  If you don't apologize for something you truly believe was wrong within your actions towards another person, you maintain a barrier and a coldness within the relationship.  When you apologize with your heart or spirit and not with your mind, you create a more profound bond within the relationship.  A true apology is the equivalent of a warm hug which is the equivalent of saying I love you.  What I've noticed with Margarita's family is that no one says, I'm sorry or Pardon me. They may know that they've done hurtful things, but they never say, perdon  or disculpame and the siblings repeat the same conflicts specific to different members of the family.  And you will see that within their marital relationships there doesn't exist warmth between the husbands and wives.  Paz doesn't touch Roberto, Gregorio clearly doesn't want people to know that he loves and is attracted to Rosa.  Alejandro clearly cares for Rejina, but they maintain their distance, both Marisol and Benigno sit next to each other like bookends.  And Wilfrido recieves the clear affection of Indez, but he doesn't return it.  He maintains an aloofness, although she is clearly so much more capable and dynamic than Willy.  The relationships are no frills.  As José Francisco had said to me in Fresnillo 2 years ago, "You are always plastering us with your ideologies about our responsibility towards the client and towards other people. I was raised with one responsibility and that is to be a responsible worker and that's that!"   A boy grows up to be a man to become a worker, to become a father, not to become a lover in the true sense of the word.  A girl grows up to become a woman, to become a mother and to raise the children and look after the house and the family, not to feel a loving bond with her husband...  Basic necessities, raw boned concepts.  The photograph is shot and the people in the photograph don't smile for the camera...  Why not?


If I could find our wedding photos....  


While working at Las Cañadas, Margarita saw a couple that repeatedly visited from Mexico City.  I also saw them.  During their weekends spent on the ranch, the man was always affectionate with the woman and the two shared a deep love.  Margarita truly fell in-love with that couple and swore that, if she decided to be with someone, that relationship must be equally loving and affectionate.  A small need of hers...  During my years of resentment, I distanced myself emotionally from Margarita; something like, if you can't bend and give me what I truly need from you which was understanding then I won't give you what you need which was love and affection.  My love was material.  It was the work I was doing in the name of us.  It was my sacrifice here in Mexico.  She must accept that as being so much more than what she would have had had we not met.  I was deeply in-love with her during the first 6 months or year.  And then I began feeling deeply hurt or neglected and became resentful.  Today I celebrate our overcoming so many obstacles, the most important one being the misunderstandings between us and the resentment I felt towards her.